Why do I hate sporks? They seem harmless enough, I'll give you that, but they are at best the result of some ghastly genetic experiment combining the DNA of a proper spoon and a reputable fork. They manage to combine all the worst features of their parental silverware, while maintaining none of the utility of their parents. Any attempt to spear even so inoffensive a vegetable as a lowly green bean is sure to be a frustrating experience, and attempts to eat soup with a spork have been known to cause even the bravest of men to quake with fear.

 If we all join together, we may have a chance to stop this growing threat. Contact your representatives, alert your local officials, boycott KFC, and above all else, be sure to store your spoons and forks separately!

Thank you for your attention to this grave but too often ignored issue.